|
| I hate when I get into these funks.. When I get sad and I miss Joe and Chris terribly..I know I will always miss them, but these days just make me so heavy... I shut down on the world and all I wanna do is crawl into bed and cry with Joe's sweatshirt on and listening to songs that remind me of her.... I just want to disappear.... I just want to talk to her some days... even just play a game online together...its the little things I miss the most.. the things that keep us close... It doesnt help that I'm in so much physical pain that the doctor's haven't been able to tell me why... I'm so fucking sick and tired of always having something wrong.. and not being able to just be me... just be ok... I'm so extremely lonely... its ridiculous. Lonely in a crowded room at times... I miss having my roommate at times. I mean I enjoy having my own space, but sometimes I just miss her being on the other couch- even if she was just asleep..... | | |
| I've spent alot of time reading my old posts... and remembering the person I used to be. In some ways- I miss it, in most ways- i miss it. But part of me is different. I know that, but its hard not to look back and say- Look at the passion I used to have, the fire inside me. I know I'm a stronger person today than I was yesterday and I'm thankful for the people in my life... but change is a hard thing to swallow. Regardless of the change, its usually hard. I know I'm starting to lose myself in Him again... it has taken alot of time and I'm no where close to where I want to be... but I'm looking forward to the adventure.. and I want to prove to myself that I'm faithful. He has always been faithful to me. Always... even when I cursed Him, yelled at Him... He stood there, just waiting. I've been bitter for so long and in a pathetic way, I continued to let myself be bitter because it was easier than actually stepping up and saying, shit happens. It will not own me. I have not been beat.... It's amazing to me how the right song can just get words to flow from your heart. I find myself surrounded with noise and I'm thankful for the music I hear..... It's my salvation. It brings me back down and reminds me of the good in my life, of the good in people, of joy, of hope. | | |
| OH WHAT THE HELL SHE SAYS
I JUST CAN'T WIN FOR LOSING
AND SHE LAYS BACK DOWN
MAN THERE'S SO MANY TIMES
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOIN'
LIKE I DON'T KNOW NOW BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON
SHE RUBS HER EYES
SAYS IT'S FUNNY HOW THE NIGHT
CAN MAKE YOU BLIND
I CAN JUST IMAGINE
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO
BUT IF SHE FEELS BAD THEN I DO TOO
SO I LET HER BE AND SHE SAYS OOOH
I CAN'T TAKE NO MORE
HER TEARS LIKE DIAMONDS ON THE FLOOR
AND HER DIAMONDS BRING ME DOWN
CUZ I CAN'T HELP HER NOW
SHE'S DOWN IN IT
SHE TRIED HER BEST AND NOW SHE CAN'T WIN IT'S
HARD TO SEE THEM ON THE GROUND
HER DIAMONDS FALLING DOWN SHE SITS DOWN AND STARES INTO THE DISTANCE
AND IT TAKES ALL NIGHT
AND I KNOW I COULD BREAK HER CONCENTRATION
BUT IT DON'T FEEL RIGHT BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON
SHE RUBS HER EYES
SITS DOWN ON THE BED AND STARTS TO CRY
AND THERE'S SOMETHING LESS ABOUT HER
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO
SO I SIT DOWN AND I CRY TOO
AND DON'T LET HER SEE AND SHE SAYS OOOH
I CAN'T TAKE NO MORE
HER TEARS LIKE DIAMONDS ON THE FLOOR
AND HER DIAMONDS BRING ME DOWN
CUZ I CAN'T HELP HER NOW
SHE'S DOWN IN IT
SHE TRIED HER BEST AND NOW SHE CAN'T WIN IT'S
HARD TO SEE THEM ON THE GROUND
HER DIAMONDS FALLING DOWN SHE SHUTS OUT THE NIGHT
TRIES TO CLOSE HER EYES
IF SHE CAN FIND DAYLIGHT
SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT
SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT
JUST NOT TONIGHT AND SHE SAYS OOOH
I CAN'T TAKE NO MORE
HER TEARS LIKE DIAMONDS ON THE FLOOR
AND HER DIAMONDS BRING ME DOWN
CUZ I CAN'T HELP HER NOW
SHE'S DOWN IN IT
SHE TRIED HER BEST AND NOW SHE CAN'T WIN IT'S
HARD TO SEE THEM ON THE GROUND
HER DIAMONDS FALLING DOWN | | |
| Life is about change. It is about hope. It is about 2nd chances..(well sometimes 4th chances too). Love fixes broken hearts, broken lives, and broken people... So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a rib when you hit the wall
Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all
When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it
CHORUS
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love, it wear the ring of stone
Bring you back to being born again
oh, it's a helping hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shining on the coast
That never goes dim
When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there's no way out
CHORUS
Like a river keeps on rolling
Like the north wind blowing
Don't it feel good knowing
Yeah
CHORUS
Love is unstobbale
So you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Love, love is unstoppable | | |
| I found this on a forum for people with my condition.... I couldn't have said it better.... Dear Pseudotumor,
I met you very unexpectedly on a not so happy day and I have accepted your intrusion in my life for quite some time now. I was wondering if I could just ask you for a few favors:
Can I have myself back? You have completely destroyed who I used to be, you have hidden my true person and brought out in me this complete stranger that even I do not recognize. I am exhausted, I am hurt, and I am so completely tired of fighting. Fighting with you, fighting with my mind, fighting with the doctors, fighting with people in my life who cannot understand what you are, and most of all, fighting with myself and living with the doubt that I am just not as complete as I once was.
I would give everything I own to just have one minute of my life that is pain free. Can you just let me have one moment where my mind is clearer than the sky on the bluest day. I would give anything to have one day at work where I felt accomplished, and proud of myself, instead of feeling incompetent because I am not able to think clearly, or because I am forgetful.
Can’t you let me just once see that look of utter amusement in my children’s eyes because I was able to spend a whole day doing what they wanted and not once had to take a “rest”? I live for my children, and I just want to feel like a good parent just once. They are growing up so fast, and I feel like I am missing it because I am too focused on you! One of these days, they will be grown, and I will still be with you, so please let me enjoy them while they are little.
I would very much like to enjoy a visit to the doctor where I am completely understood and not once feel that I have to explain myself why I want pain medication or not once have feel that I am a hypochondriac. I don’t want to hear how all my symptoms are “normal” and I’m just supposed to deal with them. I don’t want to second guess what I am really feeling.
Just a few more things…..
Can you just give me a little bit more energy? Can you let me feel my age instead of feeling older than all of my friends? I would like you to talk to Diamox and have him stop the tingling in my hands and feet and lips and eyes and stop the excessive peeing and the low potassium. I would very much like to enjoy a soda pop. Not a big one, just an ice cold one on a hot summer day. Between the two of you, I find it very annoying to want to get up in the mornings! Can you give me the greatest birthday present ever and let me feel sexy, and attractive, and worth something? Grant me just one day where I don’t have to hear about how many pounds I need to lose and how overweight I am, and let me just enjoy being alive! Let me enjoy a day where I don’t feel depressed, and where I don’t have to think thoughts that I am ashamed to admit and share. Please just let me be Happy!! And if and when you do grant me a day off from your excessive overbearment, please help people to know that I am NOT better, and that you just gave a day off for good behavior. I hate having to explain myself to my family and friends about why I "look so good" one day and feel so crappy the next.
And if all of this is too much to ask, then do you think you could just go away?
Respectfully Yours….. The IH Patient
| | |
|
